Authentic Living

Compliments or Apologies — I am Not Worthy

I love complimenting people on something that I admire: a new haircut, new shoes, nice outfit, a decoration, a child’s behavior, and so on. What I have noticed is how uncomfortable we are with receiving compliments. When we receive a compliment we quickly rebut by downplaying the compliment or even avoiding it, as if it’s somehow painful for us to acknowledge. The typical response is: “Oh, these shoes? I got them at Target on sale,” or “this outfit? I’ve had it for years!” or “you are just seeing my son on a good day, usually he is not this well behaved.”

Why can’t we let people see that we have a great kid? Why can’t we proudly wear an outfit regardless of the age? Why must we make excuses and deflect when we receive a compliment?

Most important: why can’t we simply say thank you when we receive a compliment? Thank you can be a complete sentence! There is no explaining necessary, no excuses needed, just a simple Thank You.

I became aware that as I was teaching my children about apologizing to each other after a disagreement, their exchange was typically something like this: “Sorry for hitting you,” and the response was, “It’s ok.” When I was really listening to this response it dawned on me: WHEN IS IT EVER OK FOR SOMEONE TO HIT YOU?

When I began to think deeper about this I realized that we adults say the same thing! Our typical response is, “it’s ok,” or “it’s fine,” or even worse, “don’t worry about it, it’s over.”

WHEN DID IT BECOME OK FOR SOMEONE TO HURT US AND THAT THEY SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT IT?

Whether it be compliments or apologies the response should be the same: “Thank you.” For some reason, this feels like a difficult response for both. The difficulty stems from the issue of worthiness and how we treat ourselves. Both a compliment and a sincere apology are energies of the heart. This means that when we deflect them, we are not allowing ourselves to take in heart energy or love energy, that we don’t feel worthy of receiving the love coming in and can’t accept it.

Ask yourself, do you allow yourself to receive a compliment or an apology? How does it make you feel when someone compliments you or apologizes to you? Are you worthy of it? 

If not, why on earth wouldn’t you be?

When did we get so good at putting ourselves down? Start practicing the response, “thank you.” This simple exercise can shift us emotionally from feelings of unworthiness to worthiness, from deflection of love for self to acceptance of love for self. Self-love is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and it all begins with a simple: Thank You.

Would You Like to Experience Deeper More Connected Relationships?

I have people in my personal and professional life encountering "relationship issues" and desiring repair of these relationships. Actually, more than repair, we want deeper, more connected relationships. Yes, I used the word "we" so I am included in this. I realized recently that my husband and I have a great relationship and communicate very easily about just about everything. But, the things that bother us most about each other, we don't communicate. We may joke, be sarcastic or ignore what we want to express but I notice that this is where resentment comes from. This is something that creates the opposite of connection.

I brought this to his attention and he agreed that we do this and he too wants to go deeper and have a deeper connection. I know the answer to "how we do this"  is vulnerability, but unfortunately our shame gets in the way so we deny our feelings.

When I think of humans creating deep connections I realize so much of our "stuff" gets in the way which can block deep connections.

What occurs to me is that this "stuff" is so often our shame.

As I sat and contemplated all of this today, a client "ironically" emailed me the link to Brene Brown's video on shame. Timing???

I had seen this when it first came out and hadn't seen it since. I watched it again today and heard so many new points that I had missed the first time. If you have seen it in the past, I encourage you to watch it again. It's so good!

We cannot connect deeply with another if we are not being vulnerable and feel supported by another. What's ironic is that to support someone else is also being not only empathetic but also vulnerable.

What this means to me is that both parties must step into their vulnerability, acknowledge their shame but don't let it stop you, in order to connect deeply.

This is really moving....enjoy. Love you all.

Have You Been Triggered Lately??

EVERY TIME we are triggered and experience a negative emotion/feeling like anger, unworthy, unlovable, shame etc it's OUR STUFF! I think of it like this, we are the projector with the movie and the outside world is simply acting out (and showing us) our unhealed pain, wounds and issues. So the next time you feel triggered by someone, ask this question, "What is this person showing me about myself?" Also ask this, "What emotion am I feeling?" Then own it, don't blame anyone (including yourself), just own that it's yours and sit with what and where it's coming from and what you can learn from it. It's a powerful exercise and is part of working with our "shadow," the parts of us we hide from others but also the parts that when we own, can free us from our pain.

 

Are you Angry, Resentful or Holding a Grudge?

Today I realized I had been hanging on to resentment for 2 friends for  about a month!

I didn’t like their response (or lack of response) to some news I had told them. For the last month off and on, I have been going over it in my mind and maintaining a healthy dose of resentment and anger (as if to punish them-never works…).

It was the headache that I have had for the last 2 days (I am not a headache person) that caught my attention. Our physical body alerts us to emotional imbalances when we pay attention. I was so busy focusing on my resentment that my body had to get my attention with a headache and it worked!

I sat quietly and came up with an easy release method for emotions like these.

Here is the 4 Step Self Inquiry Process:

Ask yourself these questions:

1. WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO LET THIS GO?

(Remember, our goal is to find our answers within. We don’t want to rely on anyone outside of ourselves to make us feel better).

My answer surprised me…I heard, “Just make the decision to let it go.” I thought to myself, “Seriously?” “That’s it?”

So I made the decision. I made up my mind to truly let it go, as the only person it’s hurting is me, (my mood, my emotional body and now my physical body.)

2. WHEN...WHEN WILL I LET THIS GO?

Sounds obvious but I had to think to myself, no more thinking about this…hmmmm. OK “NOW” was my answer. I immediately felt lighter.

3. IS THERE ANYTHING MORE?

Again, my answer surprised me. I heard, “YES.” “I am mad we spent a month thinking about this!”

 4. ARE YOU READY TO LET THIS GO?

I heard “YES!”

When I knew I was done I imagined myself under a beautiful white/golden light. As if I was standing on a stage and the light from above came down, cascading over me.

5 minutes later, when I was done,  I realized how light and refreshed I felt!

Now it’s the end of the day,  and I feel like my resentment is far, far away.  My lightness has stayed and I feel great! Wish I had done this a month ago!

DIVINE TIME VERSUS EGO TIME

Timing is everything. We ask ourselves the the question, “Is it time to get a new job, time to write a book, move to a new house, have a baby, get married or get divorced etc.” We wonder about life events and wonder, “Is it the right time and how do we know?”

 I have learned that there are two kinds of time: Divine time and Ego time.

Divine time is living in the timing of something bigger than us, it’s when we step into a universal flow, the God flow,  the ‘all that is flow.’ Think of a giant river and ask yourself if you are on the river in a boat, floating with the current or paddling upstream, against the current.

When we are in Divine time we find, things just show up at the ‘right time,' we may not have to put a lot of thought into our decision, it just makes perfect sense. Life feels ‘in the flow’ and everything seems to just fall into place, decisions feel easy.

Ego time is when we live from our mind and ‘think’ our way through decisions, it can feel reactive or hurried up like there is an urgency to do it NOW. Sometimes we may feel a pushing against, like we are trying to  convince ourselves to do it or not, it could feel difficult or confusing.

I remember a couple years ago, a close friend of mine kept telling me to write a book, that I needed to hurry up and do it. It never felt like  the timing was right but I sat myself down at Starbucks 2 days a week  for a couple months and wrote material for a book. It was good material, but never felt in the flow, or the right time. It felt like I was trying to make it happen instead of the book happening through me. I realized  my ego/mind was trying to make it the right time for a book. I ended up putting  my book aside and have no doubt that  a book is in me but the timing needs to feel right and the material will flow through.

When we life in divine time, it is a state of allowing which the ego/mind has a very difficult time with. Our minds will tell us we must make a decision immediately or else....or something really bad will happen if we don't do the right now! Likewise, our ego/mind may tell us to stall and not to move forward, to stay stuck. Either way, we must learn how to soothe our ego/mind and the mental chatter and the urgency it has to get things done NOW.This is where our work comes in

THE KEY….to feel our way through life.  We must bring out attention to our heart and body. It will guide us as to which time we are living in. Tune into your heart space and notice your body when you have to make a decision about something, does it feel heavy or contracted or does it expand and feel light? This is the key to divine time, the lightness and openness is the path to stay on. With practice, it will become quite obvious which time we are living in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where do you live?

The ego/mind ONLY lives in the past and future. Our Higher Self/God ONLY lives in the present moment. Guess where we find peace, joy and true happiness?

Where do you spend most of your time?

YOU are God

The idea that we are part of God is a hard one to swallow. It has come up numerous times this week with my clients so I wanted to write about it. We forget who we are when we come to earth because of our ego. The ego is the part that says, “I am separate” “I have an individual identity.” This is an illusion.

The truth is that we are all a slice of God and have no idea how amazing we are, how powerful we are….we forget when we are born It's the ego's job to make that happen.

Think of it like this, if God is a giant cloud in the sky, each and every one of us is a raindrop from that cloud. We land on the earth for awhile (our lifetime), then we die and get evaporated back into that cloud.

Another way of looking at this is we are all individual waves and God is the ocean.

I bring this up to subtly remind you that YOU are LOVEABLE, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE A POWERFUL CREATOR. You might have just forgotten.

 

 

YOU Are So Dramatic!!! Stop It!

A group of women in my son’s class wanted a “luncheon for the ladies,” so I volunteered and cancelled my entire day of work to offer this luncheon in my home.  I planned, prepared, cleaned and started shopping for my big event. The day before the luncheon, I sent out a reminder email and one by one, the regrets started coming in. When the final head count was a whopping 3 attendee’s I decided to cancel it. Everyone said thank you and how sorry they were for saying they were coming and then cancelling at the last minute etc. I felt nothing after the first few regrets came in but then began feeling an angry monster inside of me start to awaken with every regret that came in thereafter. A few of my friends commented that it was awful to cancel so last minute etc. This was like throwing fuel on the fire. I could feel this anger rise up inside of me and I began to chime in with my friends on how terrible it was then I decided to stop. DECIDED is the key word here.

I was about to text one of my friends in the class (that was coming) and I stopped dead in my tracks and put my phone down. I said to myself, “why do I need to create drama around this?” “It’s not personal…” “In fact it’s actually a good thing…” “Now I have an entire day to myself to work on my blogs and ebook!” What a blessing in disguise! There is always a silver lining to every cloud, we have to choose to see it!

What I realized was how quickly we all create drama. When we buy in to disappointment  and make it about us and how sad “it” is that “this” happened to us we have created drama. Then we have friends and family feeling sorry for us, talking about how terrible “so and so treated us” blah blah blah. I decided I am NOT going there anymore! I sat and tried to find one positive quality to drama and realized, there is NOTHING good about it!

When I responded to a couple people with, “No big deal, I’ve moved on, going to make great use of my day off,” the drama stopped. The response I got was much different. It changed their response from, “I’m so sorry” to “Good for you!”

In every moment we create our realities. By me falling into the victim trap of making it about me and it’s so sad, etc. I’m only creating more of that for me.

None of us need drama in our lives. It doesn’t serve us! It’s distracting, a waste of time, throws us emotionally out of balance  into the victim place and is completely inauthentic. Yet, the temptation increases to go there when life hands us the short end of the stick. We must be strong and resist the minds trickery, to suck us into the victim/drama place. We feel much better when we rise above and stay in the empowered place…ALWAYS.

Embracing Our Vulnerabilities

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy --- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. Brene Brown From the book: “The Gifts of Imperfection” Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are – Your Guide To A Wholehearted Life

Where's Your Self Respect?!

"One of the most important ways to develop self worth is to respect yourself. This means not putting yourself down and learning to assert yourself when you feel that your boundaries have been crossed or ignored."  -Author Unknown On the heels of the last post, Talk Back, this quote caught my eye as it touches on some of my  favorite topics: self worth, self talk and boundaries.

I hear time and time again, "I am not worthy... (of this or that)" or the excuse of... "Must be my worthiness issue." This quote sums up the importance of not only setting boundaries but speaking up for ourselves when someone has crossed that fine line of one of our boundaries.

What is more common is to beat up on ourselves when someone does or says something not nice or WHAT WE PERCEIVE to be not nice.  It may have nothing to do with us; but, our inner critic has a field day with negative self talk.

When we speak up for ourselves either to that inner critic OR to someone that crossed one of our boundaries,  it is an act of self love and respect which only creates self worth.